Something has been weighing on my mind quite a bit lately. It's something that has nothing to do with the chaos in the world right now, but it's something definitely effecting my heart and mind. It's hard to put into words so bear with me.
As most of you know, almost 2 years ago, Dusty and I donated our embryos to anonymous couples. We had 14 of them...FOURTEEN!! It took us years to decide what we wanted/felt we needed to do with them. After Paisley was born, we knew our family was complete. We had 3 options to choose from concerning our embryos, 1- donate them to science (which we never considered), 2- donate them to other families, 3- destroy them. After much fasting, praying, talking with our Bishop, talking with each other many, many, many times and deciding what we felt was best; we both had the strongest feeling, we were meant to donate them. God gave us a gift, why would we destroy something so amazing, something so special, something that could bring happiness to others? I also found out they had a year and a half waitlist for embryos so they would be used very quickly. Obviously not all of them would/could be viable, but they could help a family get a perfect and adorable baby they've been longing for.
That's where this post comes in. Lately, as I have tucked my kids into bed, or as they are just sitting there watching a movie, or snuggling next to me, I just look at them. I sit there thinking about the potential kids out there with mine and Dusty's DNA. I think of how beautiful and handsome those kids are. I wonder if they have blonde, curly hair and blue eyes! I wonder if they're healthy and happy. I wonder if they mended that families broken heart who was longing for a child, but couldn't on their own. I wonder where they may be in this world.
Utah Fertility Center, before we could go through with the donation, went over many things with us including this..this that I feel now. Thoughts and aches that can occur after donating. Wonderment, concern, depression, regret, etc. I definitely feel no regret for our choice. I know it was meant to be that way, I know Dusty and I had our trial to be able to help others. Depression...nah! I cry about it, like I am now typing this, but it's more for the wonderment and concern. How could you not wonder about it? Am I crazy?
I have always told myself "they are not my child/children". They have a mom and dad! They are loved, they were meant to be where they are now. I hope they know I love them too! A part of me will always and forever be with them even though they don't know it.
I thank God EVERY. SINGLE. DAY for my 3 miracles! I couldn't imagine my life without them! I love them more than I can ever put into words! I thank Paxtin, Channing, and Paisley for making me their mom. For choosing me, for loving me, for wanting me...if they only knew how much we wanted them and all of our prayers were answered because of them. Because they wanted Dusty and I to teach them, to love them, to be their mom and dad, and for that I am forever blessed!!
No comments:
Post a Comment