Seconds...

Robert Frost once said “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” I tried to remember this everyday and with every new struggle in life. When we fall down, we get back up and keep going...right? Well that's just what Dusty and I did. After our first failed attempt with insemination, we weren't giving up. After my next cycle, we were there in the doctors office for medicine, an ultrasound, and round 2 of insemination. For some reason, this one was even more painful for me. I had a hard time even walking due to the cramping it caused, but it passed, and I went on about my daily life. Those 2 weeks waiting up until the time we would take a test were the longest 2 weeks ever. We were constantly worrying, wondering, and thinking, is this it? Did it work? Are we going to be parents?

With round 2, I got even more nauseous to the point I was throwing up about a week before we could take a test. I was constantly dry heaving, and I was getting my hopes pretty high. Dusty of course googled morning sickness and it said it would be too early for symptoms. So, with that in the back of my mind I tried to think the best but expect the worst. 

Well that morning came and I got up early before Dusty left for work and took a test. Waiting those 3 minutes, my heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. I told Dusty to go into the bathroom to check the test, and all of a sudden I hear the test being hucked in the garbage. My husband walked out of the bathroom, and into our room with tears in his eyes. I hugged him and held him tight and we both cried together. We both got our hopes up too high, but it's hard not to. I felt bad that Dusty had to go to work because I just wanted to lay there holding each other.

Like I quoted at the beginning "life goes on"....right! I know you are all thinking..."wow, two failed inseminations and they are taking it that hard?". But you've got to remember, we had been trying for three years to get pregnant! You've got to remember Christmas morning 2010...how it changed my life as I know it! You've got to remember the months of passing out. You've got to remember the months (19 months to be exact) of being sick all day - every day... and how I couldn't, and still can't, live my life to the fullest, like I used to be able to. You've got to remember the appendectomy, the hundreds of doctor visits, the thousands of dollars spent trying to fix me, but to no avail... and how we met my out of pocket MAXIMUM for the year 2011 in just the first few months of the year. But most of all, at least for right now, you've got to remember the endometriosis. It's all tied together.

The reason I put an emphasis on the endometriosis is because every doctor I visited (that's right...our family physician, the Neurologist, the Audiologist, the Gastroenterologist, and the several Gynecologists) all said that the endometriosis could be the culprit that caused (and is still causing) all the symptoms I've lived with for so many months. And that the endometriosis is one of the culprits that is preventing me from getting pregnant. "Life goes on"...right? Well now you can all hopefully catch a glimpse of why we took that second failed insemination so hard. Not only because we want to be parents so bad that we dream of what it will be like when we finally get that news.... but also because I want my life back! We want our life back! ....all because of endometriosis and Dusty's slow "swimmers". 

You may be asking yourself "Why don't you just get another surgery for the endometriosis? And why doesn't Dusty see a Urologoist?" To answer the first question...we have discussed that option with my Gynecologist and he has expressed his fear that there is some endometriosis growth on a nerve that he can't find. He said he looked in every nook and cranny to make sure he removed all the endometriosis that he could, but he also said that it can hide good and that if it is on a nerve... well that just might be why I'm so nauseous every day of every week of every month. "Ahhh, but there is hope", he tells us. Often times when one has endometrosis and she gets pregnant, the endometriosis disappears, even if only for a few months. But alas, I can't get pregnant. - And to answer the second questions, Dusty actually went to the Urologist two days ago. But unfortunately the Urologist doesn't have much hope for being able to improve Dusty's condition, but that's another story for another time. "Life goes on"!    

Dusty and I decided that we would take the month of June off with insemination. It was physically and emotionally hard on us and we needed a break. We needed time not worrying about the calendar, the timing, the pain (for me), and the heartache. 

We tried to enjoy the month of June the best we could. That thought was constantly in my head though...the wondering and stressing of whether or not Dusty and I would ever get to be parents....